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September 26th, 2008
11:14 pm
I feel sick. I feel like I’m going down the hill of a rollercoaster. I can’t imagine myself being at the UW for the next 4 years of my life I’d be here for even longer if I go on to get my masters in psychology. I want to go home so badly, I know I’d have to come back, but I just want to visit. It’s only been a week! I want to go sleep in my bed, not a bunk bed that I constantly hit my head on! It’s so hard being social and extraverted, when that’s not me at all. I want to meet new people. I know people meet some of their best friends in college, but it’s just so exhausting having to try so hard.
Maybe college isn’t right for me. Even as I’m writing this I feel like I’m just bullshitting myself. Of course college is the next step, but maybe it’s not for me! I just went to a university because it’s the logical next step after high school. Life isn’t always logical. I don’t see this dorm room as my home, so I can’t just come “home” and start on my homework. I am having such a difficult time focusing. Not in my classes really, but outside of them. I have to read. I have to study. I’ve only had classes for 3 days. I’m taking slacker classes, and I still feel like I’m in over my head. I’m worried what will happen to my friendship with Aubri. We are eventually going to start our own paths, and I don’t know how we’ll adjust. I really hope we can make it through this big transition in our lives together. I see her as a lifelong friend. I could see living with her.
I can’t even imagine where I’ll be a month from now. I went to a frat party! What the hell?! I let nasty, drunk, sweaty-ass boys grind on my ass! That’s not me! This summer I let a 23 year old deadbeat, drunkard put his mouth where it didn’t belong. That wasn’t me. I lied to my parents. That wasn’t me. Do I have to do everything out there to realize that it’s not part of me in order to realize who me is?
I’m so sick of signs. Are they bullshit? Are they just me justifying why I feel a certain way, or are they genuine signs? Jake Booze lived in the same neighborhood as me, his grandpa lived where I worked, he went to school with my sister, and he has the same last name as my best friend. I never pick up people on the side of the road, and the one time I do… I got him.
I don’t know when to trust myself anymore. I want so badly to make friends and adjust here, but I feel like I should know who I am before I try to let others know who I am. Or maybe they’re supposed to help me find out who I am. That’s a lot to ask of someone.
Current Location: Seattle, WA
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August 25th, 2008
11:42 pm - no subject
If you climbed up the tree, then you can climb down it. You just have to want to. But until then, there is nothing anyone can say or do to help you get out of the tree unless you want to.
I'm always here for you, but I can't relate to you in anyway anymore. You won't let me. You refuse to look at the truth. You ignore what you could be or what you could have, and you choose less for yourself.
I'll be at the bottom of the tree, waiting for you to climb down and reach for a helping hand, but until then there's nothing I can do for you, unless you really want me to.
I love you.
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August 12th, 2008
10:30 pm - dunno
I feel a little sick and uncertain. I can't feel content. I know I'm PMSing, but still...
Sarah moves to NY this Friday, and then she's gone. And that makes me feel sick... like I seriously want to throw up. I'm questioning if I chose the right college to go to. I don't know if I'm just trying to make myself optimistic, or if I actually believe that things at college will be different. I was just looking through old pictures, and I used to be really happy... like goofy and friends with everyone. I still have fun now, but I'm sitting at home alone, when I don't want to be, and I know that before if I didn't want to be alone I wouldn't have been. Going through all the pictures I hung out with Cynthia, Diana, Hannah, Sarah, Cat, Courtney, Ethan, Colton, Jennie, Christina, Lizzy, Ashley, Lori, Imani, Woody, Josh, Katie. That's a lot of people. I shut myself out of the socialness of high school, and now I'm sitting home alone on a summer night. All I have now is Aubri and Sarah... but like I said Sarah is leaving, and Aubri is working a lot, and you shouldn't rely on just one person, b/c that's a lot of pressure on that person...
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June 10th, 2008
07:02 pm - RECENT
I have not written on Live Journal in forever. Not much is going on. I have my last day of high school ever in 2 days. I graduate this coming Saturday. I just went to prom, and I had so much fun. I went with Kyle, the guy I have had a crush on since 4th grade. We just went as friends, because he has a girlfriend of like 2 years. I want to tell him I like him, but there would really be no point. He is with a girl that is pretty, and nice. When I met her she gave me a hug. How am I supposed to even attempt to ruin a good thing. I know that I could probably be a good thing too, but why would someone leave for a possibility when they have a guarantee. I found the letter he wrote to me when we were really young, saying that he liked me and blah blah. I mean what could telling him hurt. I get rejected our friendship is ruined, but I'll be moving to Seattle soon, so it's not like we'd be seeing each other a lot anyways. I just don't have the balls or the heart to do it.
I have a calculus final tomorrow. I just want to be done. I'm never done, it seems like.
I'll be coming back to visit NC soon, hopefully.
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March 27th, 2007
12:38 pm - So... it's been a while
No one ever reads this... but I thought I would update, even though there isn't much to say.
My sister is almost 7 months pregnant, and we have a picture of my future nephew's face framed and up on the piano. I am very excited to see what he'll be like.
My dad just got surgery on his knee, and he is doing fine. My sister was with him at the hospital and after he went under the drugs she said he was bobbing his head like a little boy, and he kept asking what time it was.
My parents' anniversary was not too long ago. My mom got my dad a 32" flat screen TV and my dad got my mother the Journey Diamond necklace , and he got her name tattooed on his bicep! haha
I can legally drive with people in the car now, so I have been taking advantage of that. Mainly with Aubri. We've made our crazy starbucks runs. Blacked out and thought we hit a car in the student parking lot... we didn't.
I was freaking out about my Anthropology final for the college. But I turned it in and now it's over. I'm on spring break from the college right now for this week. Classes start back up on April 2. I'll be taking Ceramics, Philosophy, and Probabilities and Statistics. High school spring break is in about 2 weeks. I never truly get a break though, because I'll have college during that time.
I got cute red flats from Pay Less for $15 and a cute sweater dress from Wet Seal for $4!
I'm getting my hair cut this Thursday. I'm excited and scared, because I haven't been to a hair salon since 8th grade when my hair started breaking off so i had to cut it really short.
I'm just getting a trimm and getting it styled, because it's squareish now, and I want it rounded.
Anywho. This Saturday is battle of the bands at High School, which is at the same time my whole family is having a party in Seattle, so I have to make a decision on which event I'm going to go to.
I am loosing friends, and I still have no boyfriend. SO that much is still the same...
Current Mood:  hopeful
Current Music: The All American Rejects
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January 14th, 2007
01:43 pm
Wow it has been a while.
So Bonnie has not been my friend for about half a year now, and a little more than a week ago she came up to me and Jessica and invited us to a play she was performing in.... we went and hung out afterwards. We might hang out today, I don't know if anything is going to come out of us hanging out, like if we'll be as good of friends as we once were.
I got an ipod nano for Christmas and a laptop for my birthday. And this friday I got a CD player installed in my car that can also play songs from my ipod, sweet! So I am set in the technology area for quite some time.
School is okay. I am always tired and stuff, but anywho! I've been thinking about college a lot, and where I am going to be living after college, which I still don't know. Anywho. My sister Corrie is about 4 months pregnant now, and is showing! She went to the doctor on Wednesday and she heard the baby's heartbeat. Her baby is healthy and everything. She'll be able to find out the sex of the baby by the end of the month, but she's going to wait for the father, Russell, to get here. I think he will be here the 4th of February. There will definitey be a full house here! We are going to renovate the garage and make it into an apartment for Corrie, Russell, and the baby soon to come.
That is all.
Current Music: LCD System---Daft Punk is Playing at My House
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December 3rd, 2006
02:36 pm
My sister, Corrie 21, is pregnant... for you who didn't know. She and my other sister Marisa 27, are driving up here, because Corrie is going to be living with us, which is exciting, but also dreadful... we'll see how it goes... Nothing new... done with this quarter of college by tuesday, and then I get to get out of school @ 12 and go home, because I have no college going unti 3:30. I'm making friends with Hiromi, the foreign exchange student from Japan, which is cool. I need new friends though. I can't be dependent on just one.
Current Music: How the Grinch Stole Christmas Soundtrack
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November 29th, 2006
04:34 pm - Almost done!
So, everything is done, except I have finals for periods 2 and 4 tomorrow, and then friday final for 1st period. she schedules has been really mixed up, because we've had snow, and so we have been having 2 hour delays for school.
SNOW!
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November 25th, 2006
10:35 pm
I have made up my mind that I will hang out with Kyle during Christmas break, and my emotions will just not come!
I am almost done with my Sociology paper on the Caste System, but I still have to work on a 10 minute presentation.
I have a page left to go on my Multicultural America paper, and I still have to figure out how I am going to present it.
I have to finish doing the book report project thingy for English on Uncle Tom's Cabin.
I have to finish my Pre-calc final review.
Monday- Precalc-final review due, soc. paper due
Tuesday- mult. america paper due, mult. america presentation, other pre-calc final review due
Wednesday- soc. presentation, pre-calc and u.s. history final, soc. take home final is handed out
Thursday- english and mystery literature final, mult.america take home final is handed out
Friday- half day
Weekend- will be spent working on my college take home finals
Oh joy.
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October 30th, 2006
04:29 pm
I have a five page double-spaced research paper due in English on Friday, and 3 page single space paper due in Multicultural America Thursday, and a short mystery story due in Mystery Literature Wednesday.... JOY
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oxygen_whore's journal